Library
The Courage to Be Disliked · 5 of 12
The Courage to Be Disliked
entrepreneurship HIGH

Horizontal Relationships and Encouragement

The Courage to Be Disliked Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga
horizontal-relationships vertical-relationships encouragement praise level-of-being

Key Principle

All interpersonal relationships fall into one of two structures. A vertical relationship perceives the other as above or below oneself; a horizontal relationship treats the other as "equal but not the same." Adler's standing instruction is to horizontalize every relationship — Kishimi & Koga call this "the fundamental principle of Adlerian psychology" (Third Night). From that distinction follows a startling claim: both praise and rebuke are manipulation, two faces of the carrot-and-stick that presuppose a vertical relationship. The alternative is encouragement — non-coercive help among equals, expressed as gratitude rather than judgment. And worth is finally grounded not in what a person does (the level of acts) but in the fact that they are (the level of being).

Why This Matters

Vertical relating is the soil in which inferiority and manipulation grow: "The feeling of inferiority is an awareness that arises within vertical relationships" (Third Night). Remove the vertical frame and "there will no longer be any room for inferiority complexes to emerge" (Third Night). This relocates the source of suffering from the past to present relationship structure — and makes it changeable. It is also the hinge from "separation of tasks" to "community feeling": horizontal relating is the mechanism by which dividing tasks yields belonging. The stakes are high because the praise habit, which feels kind, actually breeds dependence and a hidden hierarchy. And the level-of-being move is what keeps the whole contribution-based theory of worth from collapsing into something monstrous.

Good Examples

  • Equal but not the same. Horizontal does not abolish roles. It means being "equal in consciousness, and to assert that which needs to be asserted" (Third Night). A company employee and a full-time housewife "simply have different workplaces and roles"; a husband's economic superiority has "no connection whatsoever to human worth" (Third Night). Ranks and respect for elders remain compatible with equality of worth.
  • The praising mother. A mother says "You're such a good helper!" to her child but would never say it to her husband — exposing that she sees the child as beneath her. The authors conclude that to want praise, or to give it, is "proof that one is seeing all interpersonal relationships as vertical" (Third Night).
  • Encouragement's four moves. Help another recover the "lost courage to face one's tasks" (Third Night) by: (1) separating the tasks — the studying belongs to the other; (2) relating horizontally, not from above; (3) offering non-coercive assistance — "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink" (Third Night); (4) using words of gratitude, not judgment — "Thank you," "That was a big help," instead of "Good job."
  • The shut-in child. A child who washes the dishes hears "Enough already, go to school" and is discouraged; a plain "thank you" lets him feel his worth and "take a new step forward" (Third Night).

Counterpoints

  • "Without praise, no one will act." The Youth presses that rewards-to-obey is just how people are motivated. Rebuttal: that is precisely the manipulative goal Adlerian psychology rejects. Praise is "the passing of judgement by a person of ability on a person of no ability" (Third Night), and its hidden cost is severe — "The more one is praised by another person, the more one forms the belief that one has no ability" (Third Night). Praise makes one dependent on another's yardstick; gratitude instead signals "one has made a contribution to another person" (Third Night).
  • "Encouragement is just praise renamed." The Youth's strongest objection. Rebuttal: the difference is the relationship behind the words. Praise is judgment from above; "Thank you" is gratitude among equals. One suppresses freedom by imposing a value system; the other communicates that you were of use.
  • "A person who does nothing is worthless." If worth equals usefulness, then babies, invalids, and the bedridden — the Youth's demented grandfather — seem disqualified, collapsing into "People like you aren't qualified to live" (Third Night). This is the level-of-being defense: "Without judging whether or not other people did something, one rejoices in their being there, in their very existence, and one calls out to them with words of gratitude" (Third Night). We are of use and have worth "just by being here." The method is to "start from zero" and add, rather than subtract from an idealized 100-point image.

Key Quotes

"The more one is praised by another person, the more one forms the belief that one has no ability." — Kishimi & Koga, (Third Night)

"When one person praises another, the goal is 'to manipulate someone who has less ability than you'. It is not done out of gratitude or respect." — Kishimi & Koga, (Third Night)

"It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage." — Kishimi & Koga, (Third Night)

"Without judging whether or not other people did something, one rejoices in their being there, in their very existence, and one calls out to them with words of gratitude." — Kishimi & Koga, (Third Night)

Rules of Thumb

  • Catch yourself before saying "Good job." If the praise is something you'd never say to a peer, you are relating vertically — switch to "Thank you," "I'm glad," "That helped."
  • Vertical vs. horizontal is one lifestyle choice, not per-relationship: "If you are building even one vertical relationship with someone... you will be treating all your interpersonal relations as vertical" (Third Night). Conversely, one genuine horizontal relationship begins horizontalizing them all.
  • Assist, never intervene — but never let suffering go unnoticed. Intervention directs another's task from above ("You have to study"); assistance presupposes separation of tasks plus equality and helps them resolve it by their own effort.
  • Ground worth at the level of being: greet existence with gratitude before evaluating any act.
  • Someone has to start. Per Adler, others' cooperation "is not connected to you... you should start" (Third Night) — the ethic is unilateral.

Related References